Tag Archives: election

The Real Threat to National Security

There is an enormous threat facing the American public, one that we should all come together to destroy. No, not terrorism or nuclear weapons. No, not the appalling public education system or the price tag on a college degree. No, not Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel. Stop reading Perez Hilton when I’m ranting! I’m talking about gay marriage, clearly the most terrifying danger to democracy since women got the right to vote.

Mark my words; the day gay marriage is legalized, God-fearing straight marriages will crumble, families will be torn apart and respected Republican senators will be involved in gay sex scandals.

Why Gay Marriage is a National Threat:

1. Discrimination is Disappearing
Rosie
Remember the good ol’ days when different races and religions couldn’t inter-marry, and fathers could sell their daughters off to the highest bidder? Good times, good times. Well, now blacks can marry whites, Jews can marry Catholics and women can choose husbands on their own. I hope you’re happy, ACLU. Is this the kind of country we want to live in, where people are allowed to love freely? We need to cling on to the few forms of discrimination that are still legal in this fine nation. It’s no longer PC to fear and hate people of color, so I guess we’ll have to settle for the homosexuals. If same-sex couples are allowed to marry like the rest of us, we might as well kiss prejudice goodbye.

2. The Sanctity of Marriage Must Be Protected

BritMarriage is a sacred vow and should not be taken lightly. Just ask Britney. She was married for only 55 hours before she decided this lifelong commitment wasn’t her bag (don’t feel bad, Brit; it took Zsa Zsa Gabor nine tries to get it right). But the beauty of this country is Brit has the freedom to get back on the marriage train and try again (and maybe again since that K-Fed thing didn’t work out so well)…as long as she doesn’t try to marry a woman. Two women getting married? Now that would be an insult to the holy institution of marriage. Two men exchanging rings? The idea is offensive to all the thriving heterosexual marriages. These days, a staggering 52% of married couples make it to their 15th anniversary, and I will not have those odds being undermined by two grooms tying the knot.

3. God Only Loves You if You’re Straight

JesusWe of the religious right take Jesus’ message of love and acceptance very seriously. God is love, and God loves all of his children…the straight ones, that is. After all, in the Bible, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. It’s really too bad we don’t take the Bible more literally in modern times—we could learn a lot from it. For example, if a father can’t prove his daughter is a virgin when she gets married, she should be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:13-21). And if your hand causes you to sin, you should just cut it off because it’s better to be maimed than to go to hell a sinner (Mark 9:43). Look how much better off we are already!


4. Marriage is Only for Procreation

BabyMarriage exists, not for two people to commit their love and fidelity to one another, but to make babies. Lots and lots of babies. Same-sex couples can’t naturally have children together, so what’s the point of them getting married? Of course, some heterosexual couples aren’t able to or choose not to have children, but they have the equipment for it, so it’s OK. There’s no way gay couples can procreate, and if we let them marry, the US population might just die out. We only have the third-largest population in the world; we can’t afford to lose our place to Indonesia.

5. Without the Gay Marriage Debate, We Might Actually Have to Address Real Problems

Queer EyeThere are a lot of pesky, boring problems in our country that are best left alone. Don’t worry your pretty little head about health care or poverty or the war in Iraq. Gay marriage is about protecting family values, the very moral fabric of our nation. Surely that is more important than the cost of fighting wars in countries we can’t even find on a map. I don’t care if we’re depleting our natural resources to keep our Ford Expeditions running or if only 31% of college grads can read proficiently. As long as two chicks can’t get married, I am satisfied that we are preserving democracy and defending the “land of the free.”

And the Nominees Are…

I’m a little upset with the Democratic Party of South Carolina. After all, they did kill democracy. OK, maybe not democracy, but those South Cackalacky Dems sure killed any chance of hilarity in the ’08 election when they kicked Stephen Colbert out of the race.

What, were they afraid letting a comedian run would destroy the integrity of American politics? Of course. Remind me; what was that Mark Foley thing again? Something about underage boys, I think. Then there was that messy Scooter Libby/Karl Rove/CIA leak incident, but I’m sure that was just a big misunderstanding. And it’s really not a big deal that my state is run by a guy who got famous by playing a ‘roided-up cyborg assassin and a pregnant dude. Let’s not get sidetracked here. We’re talking about preserving the dignity of the American political process.

Even though Colbert can’t run for President, I have not given up hope for a candidate who will make me smile through the tears in the upcoming election.

I Nominate…

Miss Teen South Carolina

Oh yeah, South Carolina? Maybe you’d like a different ambassador for your state. Consider Miss Teen SC’s stellar reasoning on why Americans can’t seem to find their own country on a map: “I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the US should help the US, er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.” Bless her heart, she’s not the waxiest crayon in the box, but she sure would look good in those photo ops. And we won’t have to worry about her invading any countries because, Lord knows, she won’t be able to find them.

Hilarity Factor:

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A toss-up between hilarious and a sad commentary on our culture, but we’ll go with the former.

Kanye West

Ever since Kanye’s “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” on-air rant, I’ve been dying to hear more. Can you imagine what he would say during the debates? He would rip everyone a new one, from Romney to Obama. Finally, a candidate who is honest to the point of Tourette’s. Plus, he has a P. Diddy-like adoration for himself that can only lead to fantastic sound bites. The dude said in one interview that if the Bible had been written today, he would be important enough to be included in it. Wow. Now that’s self-confidence.

Hilarity Factor:

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Unbelievable but true.

Britney Spears

Poor Brit. It’s kind of like shooting fish in a barrel to make fun of her at this point, but it has to be done. With the no-panty-wearing nights on the town and the court-ordered drug tests and the criminal driving record, she has “Presidential” written all over her (or is that just a tattoo she got while wasted in Vegas?). She may not be up for the Mommy of the Year award, but she’s still our down-home Southern girl. Voters like plain-spoken, down-to-earth candidates, right? Plus, she’s a musician (just go with me here). America loved when Bill Clinton played his sax. Imagine what a pelvic thrust and a body roll or two could do for patriotism.

Hilarity Factor:

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It makes you feel a little dirty, but you laugh anyway.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin

I’m not sure how much is attributable to Katrina aftermath and how much is simply a lack of an internal monologue, but I’m fairly certain that Ray Nagin is insane. The “chocolate city” comment was classic, but even better was the way he tried to explain it: “You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about.” Oh, like Ovaltine! I love Ovaltine. Thanks for clearing that up, Ray. He also said the hurricanes in New Orleans were a sign that God is mad at America for invading Iraq. He’s like a walking, talking episode of “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” I can’t wait to hear his campaign speeches. Maybe he’ll tell us Ann Coulter is our punishment from God for allowing FOX News on the air.

Hilarity Factor:

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So bad, but so, so good.

Tom Cruise

Next stop: Crazy Town. Population: 1. There’s so much potential for greatness here, I get a little giddy just thinking about it. First, there’s the Scientology. Maybe I’m not in touch with my “thetan” or can’t properly understand my “dianetic reading,” but I just can’t take anyone seriously who believes Xenu the Alien Ruler brought people to Earth millions of years ago. Then, there’s the Katie Holmes thing. One minute, she was our lovable, angsty, half-smirking-half-frowning Capeside teen. The next, she was knocked up and under house arrest by Old Man Cruise. I fear Tommy may use his eerie powers of persuasion to brainwash voters, but it’d be worth it if he does another couch rant dance.

Hilarity Factor:

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Funny, in a bone-chilling, sweet Jesus, that’s scary kind of way.