Category Archives: Navy

Uncle Sam, It’s Time for a Chat


So we got some shitty news last week. Actually, “shitty” doesn’t really do it justice. Awful, heinous, fucking ridiculous– take your pick. The Navy wants to send Brian on an eight-month deployment to Iraq. Yes, the Navy. Like the one that is supposed to stay in the water. That was the only thing it had going for it. Way to screw that up, guys. Kind of like how the only good thing about Nicole Richie was that she hadn’t procreated. And now…you tell me where the silver lining is.

Being the outraged liberal that I am, I decided to take action. I cried for three days straight, then I wrote a few strongly-worded letters.

What I actually wrote:

Dear Senators Boxer and Feinstein:

My boyfriend is an officer in the Navy, and he recently returned home after a nine-month deployment in the Persian Gulf, in which his ship transported Marines between the U.S. and Iraq. Because the Marines’ tour in Iraq was extended twice, his ship was also extended; a six-month deployment became nine months long. When he came home, we were relieved to know he would not deploy again until June 2008.

Last week, we found out he will most likely be sent on an IA (Individual Augmentee) assignment to Iraq. If this becomes official, he will leave in January for four months of training in the U.S. and then spend eight months in Kuwait and Iraq. We know very little about what he will be doing there, except that he will be there to support Marine and Army forces in this “global war on terror.”

Earlier this year, President Bush sent a surge of 30,000 additional troops to “secure” Iraq. He announced last month that he would immediately begin to reduce the number of U.S. troops in Iraq by 20,000. If we are actually reducing our forces there, why then are we sending in Navy personnel? This disastrous and deceitful war has gone on long enough, and we have lost enough American lives.

I am worried for my boyfriend’s safety and frustrated at the additional time we must spend apart, but most of all, I am angry that our country is still putting our armed forces in danger for a war based on lies and manipulation.

Please support legislation to prevent us from sending any more troops to Iraq and to start bringing our citizens home. Thank you.

What I wanted to write:

Dear George, Dick, Don, Robert, Condi, etc.

This letter applies to too many of you to list, so I’d be much obliged if you could just forward it along to the others. Thanks, gang.

Now don’t take this the wrong way, but what the hell is wrong with you? You invaded Iraq four years ago because you swore up and down that it had “weapons of mass destruction.” Of course you never found those WMDs, but don’t worry your pretty little heads about that. I’m sure you wouldn’t knowingly deceive or manipulate Americans into supporting a bogus war. Oh, no. You were just trying to protect us from the terrorists. Anyone who says differently is obviously not a patriot.

No, I don’t want to beat a dead horse and ask why we started this war to begin with. It was bullshit from the get go, but let’s focus on what’s happening right now. George, you said last month you would immediately start reducing the numbers of troops in Iraq by 20,000. Now I’m no math major, but I’m awfully perplexed about why we’re sending the Navy in if we’re cutting down on troops. Do you really think if we keep sending over more and more people, this situation will actually stop being a total disaster? Oh, sure. And Larry Craig was just reaching for some toilet paper.

I know y’all are a little slow, so let me be clear: it’s time to admit that you screwed up. Just come clean, and start making this right. Stop spending $8 billion a month fighting a war you can’t win; stop sending our men and women into harm’s way; stop destroying my personal mental health. Just stop, and listen to reason for once in your lives.

I hope this doesn’t get in the way of our friendship. Let’s do lunch.




In the Navy

I Want You

For the next three weeks, I will be living on a Navy base in Rhode Island. Oh yes; you heard correctly. They’re letting the dirty liberal in dirtier flip-flops stay on the coast where they “dress” for dinner and know how to eat lobster. Did I mention I’ll be living in a military establishment? Brian is at the Surface Warfare Officer’s School (which sounds terrifying and full of grizzled old men yelling, “Fire the nukes!”) for a few weeks, and I decided to tag along for a change of scenery. I can work from my little laptop by day, then tear it up New England style at night.

I’m stoked about my quasi-vacation, but honestly, I don’t know if I can behave myself for such an extended period of time. I couldn’t even swing it for an evening. Brian took me to a Navy ball in college, right before we started dating, and I tried my darndest to be a lady. I squeezed into my senior prom dress and let my roommates curl my hair and paint me up like a DG pledge. I only ground my teeth a little when some higher-up gave a speech about “fighting the war on terror” and “preserving the freedoms we hold so dear.” I was so proud of myself. And then this old man got up and started talking about our brave seamen abroad, and it was all over.

“Let us remember the seamen who are working hard to keep us safe. These seamen make personal sacrifices to patrol our waters. Let’s take a moment to pray for the seamen…”

I had to keep coughing and covering my mouth with my hand to disguise the fact that I was giggling like a little girl. No one else (besides Brian) seemed amused. Come on, people! An old, old man keeps saying “semen” over and over. Nothing? Not even a little bit? These were obviously not my people.

So I’m a little apprehensive about spending three whole weeks trying to hold my tongue and not shame my boyfriend. I’ve already established that, yes, he will be a little embarrassed if I randomly salute people on base. But what if I just call everyone “Cap’n” or ask strangers in uniform for an a capella rendition of “In the Navy”? Sometimes the spirit just moves me. I’ll do my best to be good, but I’m not making any promises…