I have a confession to make: I don’t like beer pong. I know, this is blasphemy to many of you, but it’s time I came clean. I don’t have a good reason for not liking it. I never took a flying pong ball to the eye and had to wear a patch or anything epic like that. It just kind of sucks. It’s like that awful board game, Cranium, that someone always insists on bringing to game night. Everyone loves that damn game (except for you, Melia, and I love you for it), and I just don’t understand. I am a connoisseur of both board games and drinking games, and neither beer pong nor Cranium will be played at any house party of mine.
For some reason, this trip has been beer-pong-tastic (which is odd considering I haven’t played since circa 2002), and it’s gotten me thinking about all the other well-loved American social pastimes that I loathe. This isn’t an all-inclusive list, as my hatred reaches far and wide. These are just the first few that come to mind.
1. Bowling. Please, everyone look at my ass while I awkwardly chuck a ball down a narrow alley and alarm the old folks in the next lane by continuously dropping the f-bomb. Honestly, I only go for the beer and pizza.
2. Darts. Trust me; it’s better that I don’t hurl sharp objects in crowded places.
3. Piñatas. The crappy Dum Dums and Smarties left over from last Halloween are never worth wearing a blindfold and spastically flailing a stick around.
4. Dodge ball. So many bad childhood memories all rolled into one humiliating game. And I wasn’t even the fat kid.
5. Wiffle ball. The last time I played, I was on vacation with Brian’s entire family. I was happy to sit on the beach and read David Sedaris, but noooo, I had to play frickin’ wiffle ball. I struck out enough times that everyone from Brian’s 70-year-old dad to his 10-year-old nephew made fun of me. I like my family because we don’t mandate wholesome fun through sports.
Brian insists I only hate these games because I’m not very good at them. Whatever. I’m taking my ball and going home.