There is an enormous threat facing the American public, one that we should all come together to destroy. No, not terrorism or nuclear weapons. No, not the appalling public education system or the price tag on a college degree. No, not Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel. Stop reading Perez Hilton when I’m ranting! I’m talking about gay marriage, clearly the most terrifying danger to democracy since women got the right to vote.
Mark my words; the day gay marriage is legalized, God-fearing straight marriages will crumble, families will be torn apart and respected Republican senators will be involved in gay sex scandals.
Why Gay Marriage is a National Threat:
1. Discrimination is Disappearing
Remember the good ol’ days when different races and religions couldn’t inter-marry, and fathers could sell their daughters off to the highest bidder? Good times, good times. Well, now blacks can marry whites, Jews can marry Catholics and women can choose husbands on their own. I hope you’re happy, ACLU. Is this the kind of country we want to live in, where people are allowed to love freely? We need to cling on to the few forms of discrimination that are still legal in this fine nation. It’s no longer PC to fear and hate people of color, so I guess we’ll have to settle for the homosexuals. If same-sex couples are allowed to marry like the rest of us, we might as well kiss prejudice goodbye.
2. The Sanctity of Marriage Must Be Protected
Marriage is a sacred vow and should not be taken lightly. Just ask Britney. She was married for only 55 hours before she decided this lifelong commitment wasn’t her bag (don’t feel bad, Brit; it took Zsa Zsa Gabor nine tries to get it right). But the beauty of this country is Brit has the freedom to get back on the marriage train and try again (and maybe again since that K-Fed thing didn’t work out so well)…as long as she doesn’t try to marry a woman. Two women getting married? Now that would be an insult to the holy institution of marriage. Two men exchanging rings? The idea is offensive to all the thriving heterosexual marriages. These days, a staggering 52% of married couples make it to their 15th anniversary, and I will not have those odds being undermined by two grooms tying the knot.
3. God Only Loves You if You’re Straight
We of the religious right take Jesus’ message of love and acceptance very seriously. God is love, and God loves all of his children…the straight ones, that is. After all, in the Bible, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. It’s really too bad we don’t take the Bible more literally in modern times—we could learn a lot from it. For example, if a father can’t prove his daughter is a virgin when she gets married, she should be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22:13-21). And if your hand causes you to sin, you should just cut it off because it’s better to be maimed than to go to hell a sinner (Mark 9:43). Look how much better off we are already!
4. Marriage is Only for Procreation
Marriage exists, not for two people to commit their love and fidelity to one another, but to make babies. Lots and lots of babies. Same-sex couples can’t naturally have children together, so what’s the point of them getting married? Of course, some heterosexual couples aren’t able to or choose not to have children, but they have the equipment for it, so it’s OK. There’s no way gay couples can procreate, and if we let them marry, the US population might just die out. We only have the third-largest population in the world; we can’t afford to lose our place to Indonesia.
5. Without the Gay Marriage Debate, We Might Actually Have to Address Real Problems
There are a lot of pesky, boring problems in our country that are best left alone. Don’t worry your pretty little head about health care or poverty or the war in Iraq. Gay marriage is about protecting family values, the very moral fabric of our nation. Surely that is more important than the cost of fighting wars in countries we can’t even find on a map. I don’t care if we’re depleting our natural resources to keep our Ford Expeditions running or if only 31% of college grads can read proficiently. As long as two chicks can’t get married, I am satisfied that we are preserving democracy and defending the “land of the free.”